I often suffer with parent guilt stemming from all sorts of things. I know that it’s something that a lot of people have to deal with – it seems to be a natural part of parenting. But sometimes I feel like parent guilt is going to overwhelm me. This month it’s the start of Boo’s increased nursery hours which have set off my parent guilt. As she is now three she can have her 15 free hours of childcare.
I do love this time of year, the colours of the trees, the chance to wrap up warm and splash about in puddles! Though I have to confess one of the best bits about the colder weather is the chance to really enjoy comfort food. And for me, a good breakfast is a big part of that. HiPP Organic sent Boo some of their Porridge Pouches and Crispy Duck Muesli to try and here is what we thought.
I am not sure I could quite sum up the sheer multitude of feelings which washed over me upon seeing those two lines. One which was oh so faint, it was almost possible to imagine that it was a trick of the light…
The front runners were the excitement of becoming a parent again, and the fear of how ill I felt last time and that history would repeating itself. Memories which I had evidently buried since my last pregnancy resurfaced and it was like I could remember clearly the sheer horror of hyperemesis gravidarum again. The fear won and it consumed me.
And I waited and waited, I prepared (as best as you can) and I became more and more fearful (and a small part of me secretly hoped, I hoped that I would be one of the lucky ones, one of that small fraction who don’t suffer the second time round. Who finally get to enjoy pregnancy instead of spending it vomiting and feeling nauseous for every single second of those 9 months).
It was little over a week from that first faint line until the morning that I woke up to the sickness, it fell like a heavy curtain and choked me. Within less than a week of that first nauseous morning, despite preemptive meds and all the preparation I could manage, I was sat in hospital on a drip with four different types of anti-emetics pumping through my system. Feeling worse than I had every felt through my whole first pregnancy and left me wondering how I was going to cope.
Those short weeks of feeling deathly ill are now a blur… Gone are the questions of how I am going to cope with feeling so ill and looking after both myself and a toddler. Gone is the fear of how i am going to cope with the mental battle that is HG. Now there is nothing…There are no more decisions. The sickness has gone, but only because my baby has gone too.
And now I am empty. Not because I can’t eat anything. Just Empty. Not because I can’t keep anything down. Empty… Truly empty.
The fear of the sickness is gone, that overwhelming sickness, which washed over and tainted everything is gone. And now I know something which is worse… emptiness and a heart which is broken.
The future which planned itself out during those few short weeks is gone… There will be no exciting first time hearing a heart beat. I will never feel those wiggles and kicks. There will be no first cuddles, first smiles or first steps. There will never be two small heads bowed together playing a game only they understand. There will be no squabbles over whose turn it is to go first. My daughters tiny hand will never hold an even tinier hand. She will never know the protective feeling of sibling love.
And it is those thoughts and feelings that make me feel emptiest of all….
The arrival of a new baby is a cause for celebration but it can be tricky to know what to buy expectant parents as there is so much choice out there. But fear not! JoJo Maman Bebe have created a perfect range of gift ideas for newborns across six adorable themes. Each of the six ranges are gorgeous and include clothes, toys and baby essentials like hooded towels and super-soft blankets to choose and put in one of the pretty boxes.
Image courtesy of JoJo Maman Bebe
The six ranges are Elephants Everywhere, Stars and Rainbows, Sophie the Giraffe, Dippy for Dinosaurs, Darling Ducklings and Springtime Florals. I think three of the ranges are what I would consider neutral, the Sophie the Giraffe range being more of the classic beige neutrals and the Stars and Rainbows range is more of a bright and colourful gender neutral range. Read More…
More of our Bluestone Adventures today! If you have missed my earlier posts you can read them here – Part One and Part Two. I have talked about the Lodge and I covered some of the fantastic things you can do at Bluestone on the site. But what I haven’t yet covered is the prebooked activities you can do at Bluestone and I would also like to share my thoughts on the food we had during our stay.
There are so many activities available – I would definitely recommend having a look and booking things before you go – not only so that you don’t miss out on places but also so that you can fit as much in as possible! The Bluestone website has the full list of activities available and we were also given a paper copy of the activities available during our stay.