Warning – this could be the most rambling post I have written and I am not sure it actually has a point…
I struggle with this one. I am one of those people who finds it really difficult to say “No” or even to suggest something that would be a compromise I am not sure why this is. I wish I knew, I think it would make my life a lot easier and less stressful at times. Since being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and going on my pain management course, I have realised that it is more important than ever that I learn to say no, or rather give myself permission to say no.
Why do I find it so hard to say no? Is my time or are my feelings less valuable than other peoples? Well in all honesty, whilst I do feel like my time and feelings are just as valuable and valid as everyone else’s, I act as if they matter less. I will agree to things I don’t want to do just to save other people’s feelings. I won’t mention my feelings in case I upset them. Why do I do this? Why is it ok for me to feel bad?
Maybe, sometimes, it’s for an easy life, after all it’s easier to go along with things than to suggest changes or to say no. I can’t stand conflict, so maybe in saying yes and feeling crap or pushing myself more than I should (and risking a flare up) I am avoiding conflict, so is it the better option for me? Or am I just fooling myself here, my family and friends are rational (for the most part) human beings. Surely I should be able to say no without feeling like I am causing a scene? After all, they have all changed plans for various reasons, so what’s wrong in me changing plans?
Do I feel that if I say no once then it will start a slippery slope for me to say no every time? (I am pretty sure that wouldn’t happen). Am I saving my noes up for when I really need them? (But do I have a finite number of noes? Do I think that other people have a finite number of noes before I have nothing more to do with them? Well, no I don’t – I am not counting – and surely no one else is either.)
The root of the problem is the standards I set myself, and the in balance between those standards and the standards I set everyone else. Why is there this in balance? I find myself wondering if things have really changed that much since my diagnosis. Have my self imposed standards changed, or am I just having more difficulty in attaining them. And more importantly should they have changed… surely I need to cut myself some slack right? I need to plan in those rest days, I need to give myself time to sort out my pacing. But I don’t. I am not kind to myself on flare up days, I find myself mentally berating myself, I should be… which inevitable leads to feelings of guilt and failure.
I thought I had accepted my diagnosis, that I had come to terms with the fact that life isn’t going to the way I planned it (whose does?!). And I honestly thought I had said goodbye to the me from before, the other me… the me I should be. But she is still here, lurking in those goals, those too high standards and my feelings of disappointment in myself when I can’t do what I am ‘supposed’ to be doing. I can see, logically, that I am setting myself up to fail, to feel even worse. I can’t meet those impossible standards. But I still haven’t wrapped my heart around the fact that setting the bar lower doesn’t mean failure. I really need to believe that my goals, are still worthy… that I am still worth something.
I need to start learning to say no. I need to learn to be kinder to myself. And most of all I need to learn to create goals and standards for me, not the old me, but the new me.
I also struggle with saying no to things – although I’ve got much better at it since having Freya with all her sleep issues. I was putting way too much pressure on myself on only a few hours sleep each night. It just wasn’t worth it. You have enough on your plate without the added stress so I think if you can learn to do it it will be a big help.
I think that we all set ourselves such high standards that is can be hard to say ‘No’. I congratulate you for making sure you do it x
I have stumbled across your blog whilst looking for blogs to follow (I’ve recently started up as a Family Blogger!) I too have fibromyalgia, alongside other chronic illnesses, and so have read your posts with interest! We seem very similar in our approach to life…the seriously high standards, feelings of guilt, avoiding conflict etc. I have learnt the hard way how to say “No” and feel so much better about life than I did before. It’s almost as if each diagnosis was a bit of a relief (I know that sounds odd) because before I was almost punishing myself for not being able to reach my (often unobtainable even for a healthy person) goals or give 150% all the time (or for reaching the goals but then seriously paying for it with my health afterwards!) This has now turned into a rambling comment, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t leave without saying anything!! I hope your health is ok at the mo and send positive vibes!!! Xx
Hi Ella,
Thank you so much for your comment. I am sorry to hear that you struggle with similar things, it is so diffcult when your standards for yourself are so high. I hope that you are having more good days than bad days! I totally understand what you mean, it feel like with a diagnosis we can give ourselves permission to be kinder to ourselves. Thank you so much for reading. x