I thought I would list all of the things I feel guilty about after been a mummy for 9 short (fast) months, in the hope that I can make myself feel better, kind of like unloading all your complaints and worries into a diary, or telling them to your other half at the end of a crappy day at work.
The first thing I felt guilty about, before I actually physically became a mummy was suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I felt like my body was failing Boo, it was falling apart, i wasn’t meant to be a mummy. I feel guilty about trying some of the meds to deal with the sickness, which didn’t work anyway (they made me feel worse so I only lasted about 3 or 4 days on them), until I was lucky that I saw a G.P. who signed me off work so I could concentrate on being sick.
I am not going to go into details about how much I suffered, it’s boring, unpleasant and I really don’t like to think about the specifics. In short, I was sick several times a day from weeks 6-19 and then nauseous and sick less often from week 20 – 41. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant, I feel guilty about that too, I was miserable, in the early days there were times when I wondered how I was going to survive to 12 weeks, (when I naively believe it would magically disappear… ha ha ha…. not funny).
It is mainly due to this that my husband and I have decided that we will not be having anymore children, because
a) I couldn’t put myself through that again,
b) It wouldn’t be fair to Boo, I couldn’t look after myself let along a baby too
c) It was difficult for my husband to see me suffer like that and I wouldn’t want him to have suffer again either
I feel guilty, too, that Boo will not have any siblings, I wonder if I am being selfish and that, when she is a bit older and is a bit more independent, maybe I could deal with it again. I mean, Boo is 9 months old now, and those 9 months have flashed passed, which is strange because I felt like I was pregnant for 9 years not 9 months. But no, I wouldn’t want anyone to see someone they love suffer Hyperemesis, so I couldn’t do it to Boo (or my husband again).
So I am left with this guilt about Boo being lonely with no siblings, and a lingering guilt about the meds I took while I was pregnant, and guilt about the fact that I was miserable whilst being pregnant (I feel robbed!! You are supposed to glow, and enjoy being pregnant, not shine with sicky sweat and spend most of the time with your face in a bowl!)
I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just honestly feel guilty about these things and think about them from time to time and wish things were different, I am envious of all those lovely ladies who suffer no sickness, glow throughout and go on to have other babies. I just have to focus on the fact that I am blessed with Boo, and lucky that I had no other issues during my pregnancy.
Now it’s time to feel better!
Many people have siblings, and many don’t… there are lots of well rounded, productive, happy, none lonely only children (Boo is not technically an only child, my husband has two boys from his first marriage, however they live in another country, do not speak English – though Boo will learn her fathers first language – and their mother makes it incredible difficult for my husband to see them, so Boo has two half brothers, but they will, sadly, probably not have any close relationship). Boo is not going to be at a disadvantage because she doesn’t have a sibling (or siblings) living here with her, she will have have friends and pets.
The meds I took were deemed safe by my G.P. and many women take them with no ill effects, and besides I didn’t take them for very long. Sometimes I really wish I could mute that tiny negative voice in my head that goes on and on about things, you know the one that tells you people are laughing at you, when they really are not, or that your skirt is tucked in to your knickers (when you’re wearing trouser but you still have to grope your bum just to be sure) , or that there is a spider on the toilet seat and so you can’t sit down on it in the dark otherwise a massive hairy spider is going to bite your bum… but I digress.
What does it matter than I didn’t enjoy being pregnant, what’s important is that I enjoy the time I have with Boo, and I have enjoyed every second from the moment she was born until now, and I will enjoy every second from now until forever. That’s what’s important. That’s what counts.
Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the negatives, I posted recently about trying to find the positives in stopping breastfeeding. And it honestly made me feel better, and this post too has that aim, to make me feel better about the negatives I am still struggling to deal with. I want to be a happy, healthy mummy to Boo that is my main goal in life now, and she deserves nothing less.