This is not a post I thought I would ever be writing… mainly because, I suppose, you never plan to be ill. As a child when you wonder about your future and what you will be when you grow up – you never imagine being ill, it doesn’t factor… being, crippled with pain with no hope of getting better.

Fibromyalgia First thoughts - sharing my random thoughts about my recent diagnosis

Having suffered on and off with depression for more than half my life (which sounds so depressing in itself to write down) I can understand – dealing with things only you can see and feel and the challenges that can create. The lack of understanding from the majority (and yes, this really has been my experience) – maybe it is beyond comprehension if you have never experienced it –  like a migraine – you can never really appreciate the agony until you have had one? Or like childbirth – you can never really appreciate the agony and ecstasy until you have experienced it?

I suppose I should get to the point. I have Fibromyalgia, recently diagnosed but I have been suffering for a fairly long time.  The diagnosis (or rather the ruling out of everything else) should probably not have come as a shock – I knew before I knew. But I still hoped. Hoped that there would be some other explanation, something that could be treated and get better… a take-two-of-these-a-day and you will feel better in no time. Something that wasn’t going be stretching into my future –sucking the colour out of everything.

Maybe I am being melodramatic, there seems to be lots of things I can do and try which might help make my symptoms better – medications, physiotherapy etcetc, Medication is already a sore issue – to start taking it, I need to stop breastfeeding my daughter – I know she is two and I could have stopped long before now – but I don’t want to. I don’t want to add breastfeeding to the list of things that my daughter has to miss out on because of me.

I very much felt like my body failed me when I was pregnant, like the Hyperemesis Gravidarum was a punishment of some kind, my body telling me I was a failure – I guess that’s my old friend depression talking. But although the residual feeling remains – as soon as my daughter arrived (and the sickness lifted) I felt better – I had managed it – my body, ultimately did what it was supposed to do. Now I feel that way again – my body is failing me, letting me down, betraying me.

I have a mental list of all the things my daughter has had to miss out on, because of me, this group, that party, a trip to the park on a sunny day (added in to the missing sibling that I can’t give her because deep down I know I can’t face Hyperemsis Gravidarum again). And this list is just going to get longer – and the guilt is going to get worse.

Fibromyalgia First Thoughts - Sharing my random thoughts about my recent diagnosis

I am not really sure what the point of this post is, if post’s need to have a point. I suppose just to get it out there – sharing my journey of suffering with Fibromyalgia as a parent. I hope, might help someone feel less alone – as I certainly feel very alone right now.  And maybe doing that little bit of good might help me  feel better…