How do I seem to a world which only sees my good days? A world that doesn’t see the tears, the pain and the fear. A world that is too bright, too loud and too fast. A world which moves onwards and I stand, unable to keep up – slipping further behind and further away.
How do I seem to a world that only sees the facade? The plastered on smile – pulled so tight it feels like it’s going to crack. The attempt to carry on as normal, what ever ‘normal’ is. The pretense, the act, the lie.
How do I seem to a world that doesn’t see the effort that everything costs.? Even sitting still and silent slowly draining what little energy I have. The temptation to give up and hide away which only gets stronger.
How do I seem to a world that can’t see the doubt and the fear and the hopelessness? A world that judges, harshly and is filled with hypocrisy a world that just doesn’t want to know. A world that doesn’t seem to care.
How do I seem to a world that can’t comprehend? Or just won’t understand? How to I respond to those ‘it’s all in your head’ or ‘if you just try harder’ or ‘I know someone with Fibromyalgia and they still do XYZ’. How I am suppose to feel? How am I allowed to feel?
How do I seem to a world that doesn’t want to see the anger and the self-loathing. The voice that whispers that ‘maybe you deserve to feel like this’. The anger at the lack of reason why.
How do I seem to a world when I have to escape, from the noise, the light, the movement to hide away? Am I shy or rude? What explanation do I give? Does the struggle show? Am I hiding it as well as I think?
How do I seem to a world that I only venture out in to because of my daughter? A world I want to forget because it reminds me of better days? Where do those reserves come from that mean I can do things for my daughter, things I can’t do for myself. How far would I slip if not for her? What do I do when those reserves are all gone?
How do I seem to a world that doesn’t see the sofa ridden days, the bed ridden days, the laying on the floor days… curled up in a ball days? The crawling out of bed, the sleepless nights, the zombie-like days.
How do I seem to a world that only sees my good days?
How will I seem to a world when there are no more good days?